Fifth Fundamental Force Discovered at BHS Bake Sales

By Sam Cohen

Last week as chemistry teacher Dr. Robert Saar rounded the north corner of Briarcliff High School’s halls while transporting his Geiger counters to his room, he noted an odd spike in the readouts on the particle detectors. He explains, “I was surprised to see the readouts jump from normal background levels of radiation to astronomical levels. I figured someone was selling radioactive brownies at the bake sale, and immediately told the bake sale attendants to back away from the table for the sake of their health.”

Dr. Saar then immediately had the food removed from the table by a trained hazmat team. Puzzlingly, after the removal of the food, high levels of radiation still emanated from the bake sale table region. Based on our current knowledge of particle physics, the table itself could not have been creating the radiation measured by the Geiger counters. Therefore, the experienced chemistry teacher took a sample of the table up to his room for further analysis.

After thorough testing of the table sample, it was determined that the bake sale table at Briarcliff High School exhibits a force not accounted for in the existing theories of particle physics. The Standard Model explains three of the fundamental interactions of particle physics: electromagnetic, weak and strong. Einstein’s Theory of Relativity explains the fourth fundamental interaction, gravitation. Dr. Saar has created the Bake Sale Model, which integrates the four existing fundamental interactions with the fifth new one, named the bake sale interaction, discovered at Briarcliff High School. According to the revolutionary theory, the bake sale table releases gamma rays as a result of the bake sale interaction amongst its atoms. Dr. Saar says the interaction seems to be magical, as the underlying mechanism of the interaction is unexplained.

Macroeconomics teacher Mr. Paul Bordonaro says that the Bake Sale Model may spark an economic revolution in addition to the physical revolution it has already created. Mr. Bordonaro is a macroeconomist and generally does not study micro-level markets such as the bake sale market, but has had a special interest in the bake sale market for years.  “Based on macro-level economic principles it is impossible for bake sales to turn a profit. In macroeconomics, we teach that in order to turn a profit, a business’ revenue must exceed its costs,” he says. According to Mr. Bordonaro, the bake sale industry does not exhibit these profitable characteristics. Bake sales average  costs of $6.08 in ingredients per baked good, 42.4 minutes of baking time per good, and 8 valuable free periods. The average revenue of $94.58 rarely, if ever, exceeds these outstanding costs. Mr. Bordonaro thanks Dr. Saar for his discovery of the magical interaction that helps to make bake sales profitable regardless of long-standing economic principle.

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