Slurping & Animal Noises: Greatest Senior Fad of All Time

By Sydney Hoff

Spanish teacher Mr. Muranelli refers to them as mating calls: “There are going to be some pretty excited Canadian Geese around here.”

This winter, BHS did not experience a swine flu or strep throat epidemic but instead, a prolonged, rampant case of senioritis that has not subsided with the onset of spring. Symptoms of the disease? Animal noises, throat clearing, slurping and clapping. The afflicted? The senior class, mostly its male population. The cure? Unknown.

An in-depth analysis of this condition has revealed several trends. First, the illness has steadily grown since the release of early acceptances in December to reach today’s epic proportions. While returning from a “bathroom break” with a muffin has long been a daily ritual for many seniors, slurping is currently all the rage.

Slurping noises and farm animal impressions are highly contagious, according to beloved social studies teacher Mr. Bordonaro. “[Imitating a cow] is similar to the spread of infectious disease- as one person does it, everyone does.”

Still, the trend’s most heartbreaking effect is that on seniors’ relationships. Math teacher Ms. Mager feels that “[Slurpers] truly do not have respect for anyone.” Mr. Bordonaro has found his love for the seniors is overshadowed by the irritation they cause him.

In an emergency response, the school is now shipping seniors off-campus for several weeks of the fourth marking period on the pretense of doing an internship in lieu of attending classes. Will the removal of seniors kill off the fad for good, or will the classrooms of BHS forever sound like a dairy farm at milking time?

In the words of Mr. Bordonaro, “I am not looking forward to what the class of 2014 will bring.”

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