Center for Disease Control Expects Pandemic Level Proportions of Senioritis Next Semester

By Joshua Gottlieb

This past Tuesday, director Thomas Frieden announced that the Center for Disease Control (CDC) expects an alarming number of high school seniors to come down with Senioritis at Briarcliff High School. According to Frieden, “this could be worse than Ebola.”

Senioritis, also known as Second Semester Senior Syndrome (SSSS), can be characterized by its debilitating symptoms. Symptoms of Senioritis include a depressed GPA, uncontrollably saying “I don’t care anymore,” and homework intolerance. Senioritis has always been a problem at Briarcliff High School, but the amount of seniors to come down with it this year is expected to be unprecedented.

In order to get a medical perspective on this devastating disease, I spoke with resident Briarcliff High School doctor, Dr. Kenney. I asked him about possible cures for the disease and Dr. Kenney responded, “Josh, how many times do I have to tell you? I am not a medical doctor. I got my PhD in English Literature.” He then went on to say, “But since I am talking to you, I wanted to let you know that you owe me fourteen homework assignments. You are not going to graduate.”

After hearing this quote from our school’s top medical professional, it appears as if there is no hope. What makes Senioritis so frightening is that it is so contagious, and studies have found a direct correlation between college acceptance and severity of Senioritis. Back in the day, Second Semester Senior Syndrome could only be spread via snail mail. However, over the past couple of decades the disease has mutated so that it can be now be spread via email. As a result, many have hypothesized that the school took away the computers in the library in order to prevent the spread of Senioritis (seriously though, does anyone know where those computers went?).

Overall, it is clear that Senioritis is a problem that should be taken seriously; however, the response can only be described as inept. I should be more worried, but in all honesty, “I don’t care anymore.”


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