Don’t Lie for “Auld Land Syne”

By Sarah Dolgin
Volume 68, Issue II

The New Year is approaching; the time of year when raw honesty envelops the world. It is miraculous how consistent people seem to be with their resolutions. Obviously, you are going to keep up with your new-year-new-me workout regimen for more than a two social media posts, start eating quinoa with every meal and cut down on your old Netflix binging habits. The sanctified resolutions of the new year are the glue that hold humanity together, and if people were to lie about them or break these promises, it is unclear where we would be today.

It is only human nature to be honest, and it is apparent that within our society humans never break promises. Humans never steal, lie, cheat or falter, so clearly it makes sense that breaking resolutions is out of the question. The new Righteous Resolution Act of 2018 declares that all resolutions must be submitted to the Truth’s Door Establishment. A device will track citizens’ every actions, and if resolutions are violated, the offender will be reported and forced to watch two uninterrupted hours of television for each offense. The device will alert the authorities even if people think about breaking resolutions. It is very important to the government that its people start drinking kale smoothies every morning and remembering to call their relatives more often. Our society’s stability rests on the ability to uphold these resolutions. Those who cannot live up to the standards of resolution and truth will be sent to the Liars Anonymous Center. People who commit various offenses such as eating gluten, skipping personal training sessions, and not learning how to play the guitar are likely to be found guilty. Many other criminals who have committed serious crimes were released on account of the lack of space for the resolution rebels. Most importantly, Mariah Carey’s new album All I Want for Christmas is Truth is dropping very soon, and the world is raving over her originality and dedication to the cause.

New Year’s is a time during which no one would ever dare to lie, and it is important to keep our priorities in mind. Forget picking your son up at school or completing that report at work. As long as your resolutions are upheld, world homeostasis and the other meaningless elements of society will be maintained. To refer to the Righteous Resolution Act of 2018, consult an expert like myself on the life-or-death situation you could create for if you do not take that yoga class, read Crime and Punishment for good measure or become punctual.

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