By Sean Fischer & Sarah Dolgin
Volume 68, Issue III

To be or not to be…a vegan
Hi Sean and Sarah! I have been a dedicated vegan for some time now (about three months,) and besides giving up paper (because trees are friends not the foundation of corporate America), I am very conflicted about what course to take next year. My guidance counselor says that the only good fit for me is Pig-Eco, but I just couldn’t see myself taking a class about pigs and why they should be consumed for economic purposes, but if I don’t take that class, I won’t have enough credits to graduate. In this day and age, how do I know what is ethical? Do I defy my morals as a devout vegan, or do I succumb to the pressures of the New York Public Education System? Sean and Sarah, you are my only hope. Please help!!
-Anonymous Junior

Boy, where do we even start? Honestly not sure if this question can be answered, but we’ll try. Okay, so for those of you who don’t know Pig-Eco is a fun and flirty acronym for Participation in Government and Economics, similar to how people call AP Computer Science com sci or AP Macroeconomics macro. So, if you’re a “vegan” you’ll have no problem taking Pig-Eco, and we’re sure you’ll enjoy arguing for the small guy being repressed by corporate America in Becerra’s class. #fakenews

The Sundance Struggle
Okay, so like, recently, I have been forbidden to go to the beloved Sundance Deli, because of a war between my closest friends ever (best friends for life, you get the idea). So, one of my besties, let’s call her Brittany, has been secretly going to Sundance even though my other friend, let’s call her Beyoncé, made her swear to never step foot there without her. They had been honoring this pact for over eight years, until I unknowingly ruined their friendship. I did not know of this pact, so when I saw Brittany in Sundance, I texted Beyoncé and told her it was so funny to have run into Brittany there, and asked if she wanted anything. It was at this moment that my life changed forever. Before I knew it, Beyoncé had replaced Brittany with someone who she knew would NEVER betray her trust and get sandwiches without her…ME. Anyways, out of paranoia, Beyoncé, the queen bee, has told me that only she is allowed to go there now due to her trust issues as a result of Brittany’s betrayal, and if she finds out that I stepped foot in Sundance, she is threatening to leak my seventh-grade school pictures (they were a disaster, and I like, didn’t want to go to retakes)! I miss Sundance, but if get caught with an unsolicited sandwich, my social life will be over. Sean and Sarah, how do I get myself out of this pickle?
-Anonymous Sophomore

As we’re answering this question we’re literally sharing The Gangster on a roll, probably the finest creation of man since the Neolithic Revolution (@Ms. Buatti), so we get your problem. There is a simple solution however: tell Queen Bee to get off her throne, she has no royal blood in her and honestly who gives her the right to dictate your Sundance life? Also, Brittany is being a real Brittany, even though she broke her pact with Beyoncé she needs to stop being sooooo melodramatic like if you want attention just shave your head (@Brittanyyyyyy). Finally, your seventh-grade pictures are probably not as bad as you think, if you want to see something more embarrassing just ask for Fish’s high school pics. Kidding of course.