By Sean Fischer & Sarah Dolgin
Volume 68, Issue IV

Selfie Stick Sadness
Hey Sean and Sarah, I’m a huge fan of your column, I read it every issue and I really need your help. So, I have been wanting a selfie stick for a super long time, and I finally got one. I have made it my mission to finally achieve the perfect selfie. In order to achieve the perfect selfie, I have deduced that it must include Ms. Mager, the real MVP. The only concern is that I’m scared to ask Ms. Mager to take a selfie with me. What if she doesn’t want to? What if she says yes, but it turns out I’m having a bad hair day? This is an emergency. What do I do? Should I ask her to take a selfie with me, or should I take one on my own in case she outshines me?

Okay, first of all, selfie sticks are so last year, and if you want to take a selfie with Ms. Mager, you have to up your game (and maybe do your math homework). Also, not to be blunt, but have you been living under a rock? You can take as many selfies as you want, and if you are worried about Ms. Mager outshining you (which she most certainly will), then you should get over it, because opportunities such as this are not common. Honey, bring your A-game, your best set of false lashes, and take that selfie! Also, you should probably look up the definition of an emergency, because this is totally not an emergency. Magecat can be reached at EMager@briarcliffschools.org. We will be expecting a copy of this selfie, if you do in fact actually take it.

Table-Squatting Turmoil
Hiya! So, I have a serious problem. The people at my lunch table are complaining about the way in which I choose to eat my lunch, which I really don’t appreciate. So, what? I take pride in eating my lunch under the table, with the occasional game of footsie. Is that really so wrong? I don’t know if it’s just me, but I feel like my turkey sandwich on rye with BBQ sauce tastes even better under the table. The air is just, better, and the temperature creates an exemplary sandwich-eating climate. What should I do? Should I continue to live my best life and eat my lunch as I please, or should I conform to society and eat at the table with everyone else? Ugh, life is just so hard these days.

Uh, that seems to be a real head-scratcher. Not judging, but just putting it out there that I am concerned as to why you find it enjoyable to eat under a table. Are you a pet? No. Are you a rug? No. Therefore, you should probably eat with your friends at the table, not under it. Why would you even ask us this? For anyone who is considering eating lunch under the table, I would advise you to proceed with caution, because that is super weird (and not the good kind). You should definitely get used to eating while conversing with other humans and not their feet. Also, creepy alert. Even if you don’t mean to be, you should not play footsie with people from under the table while eating lunch. As for your turkey sandwich on rye with bbq sauce, we think you should probably mix it up, maybe add some lettuce or mayo, idk…