By Sean Fischer and Sarah Dolgin
Volume 69, Issue II

Q: Hiya Sean and Sarah, I have had this problem for quite some time now, and I really could use your fantastic advice. Before I start this off, I need to give you some background. Ever since I was young, my mother has packed my lunch with a Mott’s Apple Juice and a little post-it that says “go get’em sport,” every single day. For the past week or so, someone has been STEALING my flippin’ juice boxes. I have tried telling the authorities about this, but for some reason no one is taking me seriously. I know you’ll never be as good as Nancy Drew but if the two of you put your heads together, I know that excellent sleuthing could be done to catch the apple juice culprit once and for all. What do you say?

Answer: Quite frankly, you seem to be a little old for Mott’s, but before we address that let’s get to the point “sport.” Unfortunately, following the economic recession of 2008 we were forced to shut down our sleuthing office, but we’ll temporarily reopen it for you ;). Obviously, being the Nancy and Sherlock of Briarcliff has not been easy, but we have been tracking this culprit for the past two months, and to be blunt, we know that you have been staging this for attention. Luckily, your thirst (no pun intended) for fame has now been obliterated, but never fear, the authorities have been notified. Until next time, apple juice culprit. We’re onto you, you obsequious mischief minion!

Q: Dearest Seany and Sarah, it has unfortunately come to the point where the daily drudge and toil of ~regular~ chairs is turning my life upside down! I tried to get a doctor’s note explaining that all of my classes need to have the totally cool, new and improved multi-colored swirly beautiful fun fresh swivelly chairs. Sorry, I know I kinda went off on a tangent there but my intentions are pure. In advocating for S.R.A.O.C (Student’s Rights Against Old Chairs) I have started a revolution. There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is sciatica, you advice-giving goons, and I thought I would give you a head’s up so that you are prepared for what is to come. I am going to take out every old chair if it is the last thing I do. According to my personal chiropractor, this is the only way to alleviate my shooting lower back pains, and I am willing to suffer the repercussions. Just try and stop me. Before you know it, we will all by swiveling! What do you think…do you like my plan?**insert evil laugh**

Answer:  Listen here you diabolical, sciatica-ridden “goon.” Why don’t you go cry to your personal chiropractor and call it a day so that we can focus on the more important issues at hand. We suggest paying a visit to the esteemed Mr. Meola, because it sounds like you need to work on some lower-back-strengthening exercises under the mentorship of His Excellency Lord of the Gymnasium. In addition, we would recommend at least one kale smoothie a day to keep your privileged attitude away. A chair is a chair, and you should take your fake coalition elsewhere! We have more important issues to focus on, such as our one-to-one devices and Briarcliff 8.0, coming in 2025.