By Sarah Dolgin
Volume 69, Issue II

In order to swindle your Valentine into taking you out during this “cuffing season,” there are a few key steps to follow. First, you must recite every line of Love Actually at his or her lunch table, which will surely catch everyone’s attention while exemplifying your dedication. You must learn how to play “The Way You Look Tonight” on the harmonica and do so over the announcements, in addition to reciting your top three adjectives of admiration for said Valentine. The next step is critical, so you have to make sure to follow through on this one to ensure that Cupid’s arrow will in fact strike your love interest. Two weeks prior to Valentine’s Day, you must pour a thick layer of dirt in the gym locker of your “crush,” followed by planting the seeds of the finest roses in the country. Throughout the following weeks, you must distract your prospective valentine from entering his or her gym locker and take the time to nourish the roses in the plentiful sunlight and hydration of the gym locker room. When the time comes to reveal your eccentric gift to the most special person of all, the sweet aroma of roses mixed with the odor of gym sneakers will bring joy to his or her heart. The final step, also known as the grand finale of this extravagant plan, is to take a course in whittling, and whittle a statue of Ryan Gosling from his performance in The Notebook. Then, place this statue on the front lawn of your targeted love interest next to the garden gnomes with an attached note reading: “Will you be the Gnomeo to my Juliet?”

If you strictly adhere to said guidelines, then I guarantee that you will not be single come February fifteenth. So far, those who utilized this courting technique have had a 99.8% success rate. To receive more information, call 1-800-court-my-valentine today, and enter our raffle to win a romantic dinner basket you will not be able to resist (candles not included).