By Sarah Dolgin
Volume 69, Issue III

Attention all regular earbud users, with the wires still attached, your vehicle for jamming out is now considered the plebeian way of listening to music. If you can, go to the nearest apple store pronto, because you never know what the Airpod users will do to you if they see that you are still old-fashioned enough to listen to music using something that doesn’t cost $150.00. In this day and age, unless you have little pieces of plastic jutting out of your ears that are wildly expensive and easily lost, can you truly call yourself worthy of listening to anything at all? Quite frankly, Airpods have created a greater gap between the “haves” and “have nots” of today’s society. Subject to ridicule on the streets, scissors to the headphone wires, and excessive memes created about them, people without Airpods are just about ready to fight back. Using the wires from each of their “retro” earbuds, each non-Airpod user with the Anti-Pod Foundation has donated their headphone wires for the greater good. Each donated wire will be added to the ultimate wire that will be used to trip Airpod users as they frequent streets, stores, and their places of residence. This headphone hierarchy will no longer be tolerated, and in the words of Shelby McApple, the Anti-Pod Foundation’s Chair, “First it will be Airpods, and the next thing you know, it will be Airphones and other ridiculous items for Airheads to purchase. This epidemic must be nipped in the bud before it is too late.”